so i feel lonely.

i miss james alot.
but i miss him even when he is mine.

and therefore, i don't feel like anythings changed even though everything has.

and its a little bit scary.

i have tears inside of me and i know it but for some reason they don't feel like coming out.

i have never had a problem crying in my life.

sometimes i feel like i made a mistake but i don't know what mistake i made that i haven't taken back or apoligized for.

maybe i'm not forgiven.

or maybe i just have to accept that he is over me.
or tired of me.
or doesn't see worth in me.
or something.

i just don't know what.

i am wearing one of his dirty shirts.
and it smells like him.
especially the armpits.

and i miss digging my head into his armpits and taking big whiffs. i know it sounds disgusting but nothing about him disgusts me and everything about him attracted me and one of the most powerful of those things was his smell.

i used to curl around him like i was a little kid.
and i felt protected always.
despite the fact that he thinks he's little.

he's really big to me.

i miss him alot.

i miss his fingers alot.

and no one can tickle me like he does so i guess i'm just not going to laugh that hard again.

i let him go very easily.
i dunno if thats what he wanted but it seemed like it so i just did.

and i pray everyday that he'll come back.
and that we can fix things.
and that things will get better.

but i know that it isn't going to happen cause i already wished on two eyelashes that fell out and both times i picked the wrong side.

besides.
none of my wishes come true even though i believe in wishes.

i'm putting on a good image around my family and my friends.
everyone thinks i'm okay except my dad who is really worried.
i think he can see through it.

but there really is nothing to worry about.

i'm okay with this.

its not so bad.

i don't want to jump off a cliff or anything.

i just don't feel like smiling so much.

i only lost it once in front of chili's yesterday and that is never happening again.

i just cry here in my room after everyone's gone to bed and i stay quiet so no one hears me or knows.
and the next day i put on alot of make up to cover up my tomato eyes.

i think that he is the best man in the entire world.
i know not everyone thinks that.

but i do.
and i miss him every second.

and everyday i take a bubble bath by myself and pretend he's there like it used to be.
and at least i can still smell him off this shirt.
and sometimes its hard to breath.
and sometimes i think about quitting cigarrettes like it's going to make him come back or something.
but at the same time. i know it won't.

and i know he never is coming back.

i could go on forever.
but what's the point.

i think what hurts the most is that i was so thankful for him.
and he doesn't know it.
and he probably never will.

i know that time heals all wounds.
it's just hard to have faith in that when you feel like this.

i am so dramatic.
no wonder he left...

i don't know.
i guess that's one extra theory i can add to the list.

i know men come and go.
i bet women do too.
but i don't know why i thought james was the exception to everything terrible.

this entire thing is my fault.
none of this could have happened if i just remembered to keep my greg walls up.

i know i'm not the only person in the world to suffer a broken heart.
i honestly think that people can never completely heal.
and most everyone who's had one just walks around gaurded and somewhat destructive for the rest of their lives.

or at least i'd like to think that most people are like me.
rather than think i'm weak.

i don't know.
i'm probably wrong.

i bet james is fine.

goodnight.

i have received the flu from one of my roommates.

on my busy day.

of course.

i have two hours to sleep. then i have to be up to turn in documents and take a final.

my legs feel like jello.

i am such a whiner.

goodnight.